Loving People and Loving Planning (no love lost)

Hi Readers!

I’m super sleepy as I type and yet still, I always have so much to say. Last night after pushing through to plan and write, today, I had a very peaceful day at work. In fact, in my planning (if I haven’t mentioned already), I decided that I needed to incorporate an hour break. A real break. I realize that it has been impossible for me to take care of any personal business and it has been a huge setback. Also, I need to take a break (as that’s what it’s intended to be) and break away from work for a bit. Although it went quick (and I started late), it was so realizing. I left my cafe to go down the street to the other cute little cafe. Just my cup of tea 🙂 I had a cappuccino, ate lunch, and made a call. That was perfect. I felt prepared for the day and had the end in mind. I knew exactly what I was doing :). The ease was real.

The more I plan, the more I realize how much I really can’t live without it and that was my issue all along. I didn’t have a plan so I was just all over the place. It sure feels good to know where I am going within each hour of the day. I thought it was something so odd for me but it’s like I tapped into a part of me that was lonely! The organizational side that was starving for help! Heeelllllp meeeee.

I digress.

I have been learning what it means to love. I remember when I would easily cut someone off at the first offense. I just couldn’t BELIEVE that they would DO such a THING to ME! lol That was me all of the time. Now it’s like, we fight, and we fight, and we fight and I love you more and more and more but it doesn’t come easy. I see why friendships and relationships end. Communication problems are the number one reason and communication can be very difficult because it’s a shared muscle that has to be built throughout the relationship.  It’s how bonds are created. It’s developed through misunderstandings, personalities, and through getting to know someone. It’s very easy to give up and often it’s because of emotions that cloud our judgment, sometimes hurt and disappointment, but I believe that it’s ultimately because we have different paradigms and we have a hard time seeing and understanding other paradigms. We often want each other to live by how we see and understand the world and so we intend to force that onto those we love. Worse, sometimes the paradigms are unhealthy.

For me, I am learning what unconditional love looks like. You don’t know what loving someone is like until you’ve almost hated them. This is very well literal for some but I’m using it as figurative speech to just emphasize the pain that can come with loving others; the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the betrayal, and so forth. Relationships are always tested because we are flawed human beings and it’s in our nature to disappoint one another to some degree. It’s also within our nature to overcome the challenges of relationships. Some of us feel too hard and can’t handle the tension or being uncomfortable that comes with the territory of sustaining a relationship with someone; we quickly want out. Out can be very cowardly. Out can be a quitter. Out is sometimes a failure. Yet out is sometimes what is best.

Relationships aren’t perfect but love is because it can overcome anything that may seem impossible to overcome and that’s because God is love and nothing is impossible or too difficult for God. Ironically, while relationships are meant to be filled with joy and laughter, they also exist as reflections. They’re often hard ways of teaching us lessons and showing us hard things about ourselves that we can’t always see when it’s just us alone. Sometimes God places people in your life to show you who you are and what you need to work on. These things WILL come up in DUE time as long as you spend time with someone and get to know them because we can’t really hide who we are or our flaws; all of it is bound to show.

But the real question is, can you still love someone in spite of who they are? In spite of their ways that bug you? Is it worth it? Is it safe? Is it healthy? Is it even them?

The answer is that love should always be no matter what because “what does love got to do with it?”. We are so quick to put everything in the name of love and blame love for heartache, mishaps, misfortunes, ruins, despair etc but really it’s just flawed nature. Don’t mistaken what I’m saying for tolerating any level of harm or toxicity. Don’t even mistaken it for accepting someone’s harm towards you in a way that would force you to still be around them. No, not that. But forgiveness. Patience. Kindness. And being able to live freely because of the power of love.

artistic-blossom-bright-207962.jpgLove is God and all the beautiful things He embodies so how then can we keep love from one another? How then can we not love because we were hurt while “in love”? Well, we can’t go on blaming love, we gotta continue this wonderful free gift. See, when Jesus died on the cross for humanity, he didn’t give us any conditions. He made Himself available to the world despite the world. Despite His pain, hurt, anger, and betrayal. We are so called to love that way too.

I’m learning to love despite flaws of human nature because it’s not love’s fault. We just gotta press on in the name of love. Now thats worth mentioning in the name of love. We are to become like little children who are quick to forgive and innocent in their ways. Love is free to be love and doesn’t withstand chains.

Anywhoo, it’s time for bed.

Good night readers,

P.S New habits are starting to form…

The Writer

Rising Above Commitment Issues

Omg Readers,

It’s happening. The very thing that Napoleon Hill wrote about in his book, “Outwitting the Devil”. Success does come by way of determination backed up action. Might I add, today marks 2 weeks of writing for 14 days straight!!! Record-breaking! Who am I becoming??! OH! I know! The new Quita! Have ya’ll met her yet?! HERE SHE IS!!! 😀 I’M Amazed at this…let’s go one month! I might even push it to two months before publicizing.

Today and all week the understanding of commitment. I have always had commitment issues, all the way from something as an idea and all the way to people. The more I move towards my role of being consistent at things, new understandings arise. I am determined to master commitment which is embodied with so many other things. I am determined to conquer my emotions that give out and leave projects unfinished, ideas incomplete, and participation upset because I always choose to give up.

Today, as I sat in church, I pondered more about my gifts and talents and how to get back into the swing of things. Amazingly, one of our pastors mentioned an upcoming talent showcase and of course I was immediately excited. The opportunity presented itself and I would be silly to pass it up. My prayer had been answered! I quickly thought of one piece that I wanted to perform with music and pondered a second (I have several works to choose from, shouldn’t be hard).

 

accessories-africa-bracelets-1667850.jpg

I have also been thinking a lot about singing lessons. I have always loved to sing and I am a bit self-taught but also recognize the great need for voice lessons. For nine years, I lived next door to a singing school. ha—I assume it was there for that long but either way, I never was able to seize the opportunity because I didn’t have the funds. I am sure looking forward to the opportunity to utilize my funds correctly. I am committed to getting back into the swing of art and that makes me committed to utilizing my income more responsibly. It just hit me. I think that is one of the issues that we have. People don’t have enough worthy investments or long term goals and so they burn through their funds in the now over and over again because they don’t have a future for them. My favorite saying: “if you fail to plan you plan to fail”. Speaking of planning, i was badly thrown off tonight by stress and before I knew it, 7 hours had passed and I had not did my planning for the week. The one thing that I said that I wasn’t going to do, I did but then I quickly turned that lack of commitment around and told myself that I was going to complete my planning for the week and I did. I am very new to planning and it does not yet come natural for me. I didn’t plan last week and the week before that, I half planned. I planned for about two weeks. I believe I was overwhelmed at all that I had to do (and I am learning how to plan effectively and practically in a way that works best for me which doesn’t come easy until you practice implementing your schedule to see what does and doesn’t work) and it just backfired on me. Napoleon Hill mentioned how your ‘other self’ arises when you continue to push. Others also have said this in different ways that when you really focus on changing you start to change. New ideas come. New thinking arises. It’s literally like another voice (not an audible voice) is encouraging and inspiring me and it’s quite amazing. I’m amazed that this is all true.

Lately, I have been thinking about how doing the opposite of how I feel will propel me since it’s so easy to give into how we feel. Also, I have been thinking about the organization I chose to join with excitement and how much I allowed my feelings and distractions to get in the way. I fell off. I thought, boy here I again but lately, I have been really thinking about this organization and how close it is to my heart. How much more I want to do and I was thinking of one of the persons that are really running with the idea and working diligently with others to make it a reality. I was pressed to contact her to just make mention that I really want to be apart fo this and I just need a bit of accountability. Honestly, just saying that freed me from my constant running. I feel that it is now prevalent in my mind and really, I have no choice but to live by those words. I am happy to do so. I then was encouraged to hear again that my input would be of great value. People really do see that I have great ideas and that makes me oh so warm inside because it confirms that I am on the right track with pursuing my focus for school.

Anywhoo, this commitment is stretching some ways. I am officially more excited now that I am starting to see the fruit of my labor.

“You can’t be committed to anything else until you’re committed to yourself.” -Marquitta S. Niles

Alright readers. Have a gnite.

Signed,

The Writer

Cleaning & Clarity

Hi Readers!

What did you do on this lovely Saturday? Did you sleep in and watch Netflix? Did you cook and clean like I did? Did you go to brunch, and evening party, the club? (Some of you are at the club as I type). Well, if you’re like me, you caught up with old friends and your dad. You cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and cleared out your clutter—-some of it.

For weeks now, I have been wanting to get to clearing out some stuff that has just been clogging my mind. If you’re like me, then cleaning, reorganizing, and decluttering is something not only therapeutic but detoxifying. Aaaaah, it feeeeeellllsss sooooo goooood. Am I right? Mmmm. The feeling of throwing away items that you haven’t used in a long while. The feeling of a basket of items now looking smaller. The feeling of discovering where items you thought were lost or you didn’t know you had. And the feeling of knowing where everything is (yes I am breaking many grammar rules here). I still have ways to go before I move out of my townhouse but I’m completely looking forward to the change but also overwhelmed at the amount of books that I accumulated. Oh well. I’ve always wanted to have a library so this is just the beginning—seriously, I want to have my own library.

beach-cc0-coast-103567

 

Anywhoo, it’s a new beginning for me. A new year—yeah? Well, I say that because these two years have been tough financially and downsizing to a smaller home is going to alleviate me from some of the stresses of expenses. I’m praying for a real vacation because I can most certainly use one and I most definitely need one. Apart from that, I am in the process of leaving a relationship. I say process because fro me, it doesn’t happen overnight. unfortunately, I suffer from severe attachments. This individual, while still in my life, won’t occupy much of my time and it has allowed me to shift my focus. Again…I’m always having to refocus because I am so easily distracted that it is sad.

It is a time for clarity, physically, spiritually, and mentally clearing out my mind. I may sound like a broken record because I am very preoccupied with making some life changes; getting back in touch with my artistic life and it has been—-oh boy, lost my train of thought but it has been pivotal fro me. It’s also something that I —-oh wait! it came back to me! It has started with writing because I am so very determined to have a life of writing; there’s no telling where this blog will take me. By now, if you’re reading this, then you’ll now know that at the time of writing this, I didn’t publicize my blog until it has been 1 month (really I want to do 3 months but i don’t think I can anticipate waiting that long) of daily writing. OMG! Guys! If I accomplish this (and I will) —omg it will be record-breaking!!! wow! write for 31 days straight?! that’s amazing. I am really meeting my goals! One being to have a life of writing. i am amazed that I have made it this far!!! omg, it has almost been two weeks!!! I’m so stoked.

Anywhoo…back to clarity. There’s no perfect time for a cleansing and to think things through. Gotta make room for great ideas—I believe this is going to be a WONDERFUL year. Deep inside (and on the surface), I’m super excited. I’m learning who I am and what makes me happy. I’m learning my role here and I was created to be the artist that I am! hahahahaha—I’m laughing inside because I am excited. With that said, I’m writing and I signed up for NY Casting—let’s see where this all goes!!! man, so excited.

Good Night Readers.

Signed,

The Writer

Letting Go

Hi Readers!

Today, I am thinking about letting go. In some ways doing so is easy and in other ways it seems almost impossible for me. I know that when I’m eager to fulfill a role but then find that all odds are against me, I then know it’s time to move on. While I may very well justify every reason for why things are wrong or should be another way, or even how I am not the antagonist in the situation, once I learn that it’s not worth fighting for any longer, I relinquish all my energy to it and simply let go and move on.

Today, felt like the aftermath of doing that. I felt more at east than I ever have before since my job change and it was because I stopped trying to make a difference. It’s not so much about giving up or quitting but for me, it’s about realizing that perhaps this was what I should’ve done all along—to start with. I should’ve played it easy and came on board without a strong arm but would I have accomplished as much as I have now?

All I know is that it feels good to not worry or get worked up or dwell on anything, especially when I know there are no limits to where the sky can take you!

adult-art-artist-133170.jpg

On another note, I don’t know how to let go of certain people in my life. my heart is to soft. It doesn’t get hard. I often feel I don’t have a strong enough reason to not talk to them even when I try to justify all the reasons that I do have. I wound up looking foolish. On the other hand, it takes me a long time to finally let go of someone. I know it’s because it’s similar to the abandonment I felt as a child. I imagine that psychologically, it’s the same trauma I am always trying to avoid and the pain is too real. Whenever I do try to let someone go it hurts. why does it hurt so much.

I’ve managed to let go quite a few people in my life but it didn’t come quickly and it didn’t come easy. It came with heartache, perseverance, and many mistakes and lessons.

Anywhoo, pray for me —pray for me to give my heart back to God in the way that He wants it. sleepy….night night.

Signed,

 

The Writer

Occupied

 

Hi Readers!

 

It’s Thursty Thursday. Currently, I am doing some soul searching, some back tracking, some revisiting to who I am.

I’m in a place where I’m not sure what I want to do for work. Don’t get me wrong, I know what kind of career I want to have but in between, as I work on preparing fro graduate school, I am looking for a more fulfilling job —-I’m scared that I will never find contentment in work and that I may find myself dissatisfied each time. It’s worse than actually looking for a job.

I have had some rough experiences in my last few jobs and I’m thinking that perhaps I’m not much of a people person or that I’m not utilizing my artistic side so I’m misplaced and that I’m just not happy because of that and it shows through each time. I worry about what people think and these people I no longer see. I’m always wondering, man they must be talking real bad about me…

Silly right? I’ve always wanted to leave a good impression but apparently, it doesn’t work out that way for me. I’m never connecting with people in the way that I intend and I seem to offend everyone. I’ve been dealing with labels and such and I’m like man, maybe there is something really wrong with me or perhaps I’m just inside my head? It seems people keep seeing something that I don’t understand– it bugs me so much. asphalt-beautiful-daylight-1237528.jpgHalf the time, I’m minding my business and BOOM, someone has something to say. I’m sorry I’m not always the most social person so of course that leaves room for people to interpret me however. I’m a writer and writers live inside of their heads. I’ve learned that being in group settings within work environments may not be the best for me but I feel like those are where some of the best jobs exist..I don’t know…

Today, I decided to sign up on a casting site—you know for acting gigs, perhaps some modeling, and maybe a bit of voiceover—I like doing voiceovers. I need to break out of this traditional, redundant lifestyle and tap into my creative side. My artistic side has been dying and I think that’s what people are seeing on top of the fact that I have not traveled or had a vacation in…forever…a relaxed vacation. I’ve traveled for business trips but I have not been relaxed since the first and last real vacation I had in 2014. That’s 5 years counting so if people feel I’m “intimidating”, “angry”, “aggressive, ” or “negative”—all the labels I’ve gotten, then that’s why. I mean this hurts and I’m trying to figure out what it is—truth be told, I’m unhappy with my jobs and half the time frustrated. I’m not living. I’ve just been working to pay bills and I told myself along time ago that this would not be the person who I would be but that I would have financial success and live my life as an entrepreneur. That has been a lost dream ever since I stopped the business. I have been trying to get out of this pit and I see the light yet I can’t experience it’s warmth enough to get me out of here.

Well anywhoo, I’m going to do a couple of personality and job tests—I can’t find the first one that I did…it said I was an executive. When I did a business, around 10 years ago, a successful entrepreneur at first glance, right at the handshake told me that I was going to be an executive. Later in life, as I was entering my father’s house, and a man told me that I love knowledge and that I should study law…? haha – law. I mean I can argue but I definitely never pictured myself as a lawyer. I even entertained the idea. Am I missing my calling? lol Now that I’m going to study social work, I’ve been doubting that as well…it’s just a fear of success thing I believe you know…I think I have already told you this. ok here we go. Whatever you do in life, whatever you face, don’t give up…the answer will come.

talk to you later.

Signed,

The Writer

Feeling Like a Charity Case

 

Hey Readers,

It’s a new day—night 🙂 I’m up thinking. Thinking how when people see you as vulnerable, they often take that for weakness or worse, they treat you like a charity case :/ Have you ever felt like someone supported you or was there for you because they felt bad for you but in actuality, they didn’t bother to really be a friend to you? See, friends are generally on the same page. Side by side. We all have various types of people in our life: some are mentors, some are counselors, some are therapabstract-ancient-antique-235985.jpgists, some are spiritual parents and so forth. But how do you handle the people that may start out as friends but when they discover certain things about you, the way that they interact with you changes?

I knew someone who saw me in a very vulnerable state and I couldn’t understand why she was being so kind to until I moved to learn that that’s how far the connection would not go. I’m sure she means well but see, I’m someone who has experienced a lot of life experience (as many of us do) and someone feeling bad for me or coddling me or whatever you want to call it is the last thing I need or desire. I value my friendships and making new friends and I find it pretty insulting when someone looks at you that way. It says that they don’t really know anything about you and often it is this savior complex that people have. I only have on Savior and His name is Jesus.

Anywhoo, I felt like sharing that because it has been bothering me. I called someone just to connect and it turned into this underlining idea that I was calling them because I needed something by the way they asked me questions and such. It was just uncomfortable. It could very well be an insecurity of mine but I really don’t think so. Then the call ended quickly and did not feel like they were as present.

Never let anyone make you feel lesser then. When necessary, let them know what you want, what you’re looking for and make it clear in your most subtle way that you’re not one to be underestimated.

Alrighty then, it’s time for bed.

Good night readers,

Signed,

The Writer

 

P.S so glad I’m not dwelling on work though…

Checking In

Hi Readers!

Today (actually January 28th) marks 7 days of writing. That is record breaking for me!

I wanted to take a moment just to check in with my goals.

Each day I’ve been consistent in some of my main goals (I don’t say all goals because this is the beginning process and everything take time).

I’ve managed to continue to make my bed everyday and so far, almost one month! I say to folks that not making my bed was a deliberate choice so getting back into the groove was not a hard thing since it’s something I’ve been doing my whole life.

I have been listening to my Bible each day as it is my goal to read through the entire Bible by December 31st. 7-abstract-art-1061136

I’ve been stretching each day and have incorporated yoga again. This has been a highlight for me since I pride in both things. My goal is to become flexible so that I can do a split!

I’ve improved in going grocery shopping so far and have been drinking my breakfast smoothie each day!

Slowly but surely, I’m eating a lot better than what I have done over the passed few months.

I’ve consistently been reading my goals twice per week and it has helped me to focus.

I’ve mostly managed to shower on time! Showering at a certain time ensures that I can end my night well.

What I would like to continue to work on is my weekly planning, taking Uber less, doing my hair, going to bed on time, and writing.

Stay tuned for more details.

Happy reading!

Signed,

Your writer