Holding On


in so many ways

am holding on.

Clinging to the rock I stand on that feels wobbly beneath my stance.

I hang on

like the hook in an old poem of mine called, “She Hangs On”.

Dangling like loose beads on a worn bracelet.

I fear more.

Highs and lows got me so close to heaven and hell.

What am I saying right now readers? Just thought I would test the old gem again and share an incomplete poem. Most times when I feel something heavy, I only want to disguise my true words in fragmented sentences fancied by rhymes and wonders. I never want to express the full and translucent truth because…quite frankly…it’s just too much work and too much energy. It’s exhausting. I’d rather just stay sitting on the nail like a dog. But why? I just told you why. But really…why? Because I am broken. I’m broken just…like…Kim Kutledge. I think that’s why I loved her monologue so much. It reminded me of my self:


Kim Kutledge’s Monologue
By Josh Weckesser

My name is Kim Kutledge and I am broken. I’m not really broken in the way that a tree becomes broken in a tropical storm or the way an egg becomes broken when it is dropped to the kitchen floor before it can be put in the omelet. I am broken like a bone, painfully and somewhat grotesque to look at, but under the right conditions and proper care I will heal. [beat] What I mean to say is that I am a poet. Really, I am. Listen to this. It’s a love poem. [clears throat]

Excuse me, but if you would
Give me the chance, I think I could
Do what I need to make you feel good

[long pause] What? No applause? Now you see what I’m talking about, broken. I wasn’t even blessed with being tortured, Poe and Dante were tortured, I am simply ineffectual and unloved. I know what you’re thinking, “Surely you jest, who would not love you?” The answer is the source of my pain and the reason I cannot heal. I do not love me. I’m like that one guy in that one 80’s movie, I do everything that everyone tells me to do. On the plus side nothing is ever my fault, I can always point the finger at someone else. On the down side I talk to myself a lot. Like now for example. None of you are real. I bet you didn’t know that, and I kinda hate to break it to you because I’m sure you think you’re real, but I just made every one of you up. That’s gotta be depressing, but don’t worry about it, you’ll cease to exist once I’ve finished thinking about you. But you wanna know the worst part? Would Keanu Reeves please stand up? [pause] See? He’s not here! He’s never here! I’m so broken that I can’t even control my own hallucinations even after I’ve accepted that fact that they’re hallucinations. I know you’re wondering about the whole Keanu Reeves thing, but even if he can’t act he can say “woah” with the best of them and if he wore his Matrix costume he wouldn’t have to say a thing. [beat] Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist about this. I’m pretty sure it’s not normal. He’d most likely tell me it was ‘advanced projected schizophrenia’ or something. I’m sure he’d ask me, “Do you occasionally feel like you’re on stage?” and I’d say no but he’d see though it because he’d be a good psychiatrist, and I’d never go see a bad one. So I’d admit to sometimes feeling like I’m on stage and he’d ask me if I’d like to see Keanu Reeves appear and I’d deny that too, but he’d see though it again. So then I’d tell him that Keanu never showed, with or without his leather Matrix jacket. Then I’d ask him how he knew and he’d tell me that it’s a pretty common thing, he used to go though something similar. It’s hero worship gone horribly awry, something about not having the confidence to want to see someone actually interesting. All I’d have to do to avoid these things was to believe in myself, have some confidence. [epiphany] Yes, I think that’s it! Of course that’s it. I can do that. I can love myself, I can. And I will. [pause] Right?


No Words

Hi Readers,

I am entirely behind on my writing. Yes, I’ve skipped several days because I stopped preserving. Really, my work week last week got in the way and I’ve gotten in this weird schedule where I go to bed real late. Partially because I worked late a few days this week and my old habit kicked back in. It’s like when you’ve been sober for awhile and then you decide to have one drink and then you’re right back where you started.


I also have some undying habits of staying up late and it’s partially because I’m a nocturnal person and I thrive at night yet I still have to be up early. I can’t win. The other part is the fact that if I get home late (mostly because of work), then to me my night has not begun and I have to “relax” the night away before I go to sleep because going to sleep feels like the little kid that feels like she is missing out. Huhhh. Help my life.

I have so much to share with you but of course it’s a couple of minutes before 11 and I have to be to work at 7:45 so telling you now won’t work.

Please stay posted.


The Writer aka Quita


Hey Readers,

I haven’t written in a few days because the last two days, I worked 12 hour shifts. I could’ve pulled through though but after long shifts like that, writing is the last thing I was thinking about. It’s safe to say that there is much to discuss and because it’s already late, I will have to share the details tomorrow but here are the topics that I want to focus on:

Forgiveness, Humility & Patience

Friendships & Heartache

Hard Conversations & Knowing God’s Word

By Default… (Lovers of My Life)

These are pretty much the topics that I’ve already reflected on in the last three days. I thought today that I now am understanding why I always have so much to talk about and any I process so much and it’s clear. I am truly a writer. All that I process is meant for me to share and not keep to myself.

background-calm-clouds-747964.jpgBlessings lovely people.


The Writer



Confession, Forgiveness, and Romans 7

Hey Readers,

How was your Sunday?

I’m going to make this short because I am behind time and really need to get to bed.

Today was a good day. I feel like I haven’t said that in a very long time. I’m not even sure if I have ever really said that but I say it because it’s a continuous of last week: the ignited sense of change that I experienced for two reasons and again I say, 1. realizing that I needed an outlet from work (although I really always had one) which happens to be my passion and being super driven to jump into it, hence, the artistic world. With that, it has cause me to take a step back and to refocus myself to gain balance. What is balance and what does that look like? For me, it’s spreading myself evenly across all of my interests. It looks like not putting all of my eggs in one basket with any one thing and allowing myself to be able to enjoy each role that I play in my life without being too focused on one or having to experience any form of burnout.

The other reason for experiencing this ignited sense of change is, well, the fact that my period came after several months of not receiving it. Strangely, I have a pattern where it comes when I experience a change. One being, having secured a new place since me and my roommate have to move and that was quite stressful. What this tells me is that I don’t think I handle stress well as I think I do if after a settlement, my period decides to come. Or perhaps it’s just the way my stress showcross-neon-light-neon-sign-1769691s up which now that I think about it, how can this hold up well in a pregnancy? I have not thought about this until now; writing has a way of bringing up points for you. Later discussion or when I get ready to cross that bridge. Not something to worry about or stress about now.

Back to being a good day. It was a good day because Sunday school was deeply refreshing and the sermon was equally refreshing. Just the other day I questioned myself and why I find myself going back and forth with the idea of reaching out to others in terms of support for spiritual growth then finding myself running from it at the same time. In Sunday School, reading Romans 7 on law and sin drove me to finally make a decision as it showed me the reason behind my wrestling.

I knew it was time to walk out on faith as I came to the realization today that I doubt God. I doubt that I can trust Him enough to take care of me in the midst of my fears and reservations. I doubt that He can transform me and my circumstances, I doubt that He is sovereign in all ways and situations and as a result, this doubt has kept me where I am, kept me thinking ill thoughts about my salvation and His people, and prevented me from being able to experience spiritual growth in the way that my spirit cries out for. To just come to this realization is most certainly God’s grace and because I recognize His sweet, still, calming voice, I still have faith a bit bigger than a mustard seed.

Prior to this, I have been wanting to connect with my pastor for a long time and have drafted emails but was always to fearful to send. It’s how I fear rejection sometimes when it comes to seeking forgiveness or how I am always thinking that people are thinking the worse about me and the truth is, I have experienced a lot of that and I have allowed it to interfere with resting upon how God sees me rather than how others do. IT also has shown me how I live inside my head bit too much (a common human flaw) and that I continue to make things real that are not. I will never forget when I was worshipping at my old church and I was in tears just watching all fo the teenagers who after being encouraged to come to the front whom didn’t have present parents in their lives to head to the front. I was in college but I so badly wanted to go up there because I still felt like one of those teenagers, I had spent my teenage life in church weeping many times at the wounds I carried from not having my parents in my life and the burden of loneliness that I carried. While crying, I felt a touch in the middle of my belly that I can’t describe but it caused me to wail a loud sound and fall out. I was conscious but my eyes were closed. Another young lady close to my age prayed over me in tongues and then spoke, “you’re listening to the wrong voice, protect your ears”. I was reminded of this again (and have found myself frequently thinking about this). I have fallen into this many times because now that I think of it, a little girl who has experienced a massive amount of loneliness through her life would have the devil right there to tell her lies and that’s exactly how He has been holding me captive all fo these years. I would be reminded of this and weeping at 3am in the morning just last year when I realized all fo the lies I had believed. I am reminded of this today and now it’s time to do something different. It’s time to abide in God’s Word and to walk in truth and light with the right hand of fellowship with God’s hand. I am reminded of this by both our brother who preached in Sunday school and by our pastor in service today. That is the piece of bread that I carried out in my spirit today.

As a result, I was convicted today and decided that I am going to speak with my pastor. In fact, I did and informed him that I wanted to talk and meet with him. I also thought through the idea of writing a letter of expressing everything necessary because my hope is to open and to be clear. I am seeking spiritual support and I need it. I’m seeking spiritual healing and I need it. I don’t quite know what either of these things look like or how they will play out but this is where I begin to really trust God. I stop writing  and hold my face as tears come down my face at this new found revelation. I see a young girl who has been deeply hurt beyond physical repair and her soul is crying out for help and healing. This young girl has been afraid of coming out and when she does, it’s going to change her completely.

I also have been meditating not the fact that I can’t be who God wants me to be if I don’t trust Him and if I don’t allow the process of spiritual change. We spoke on spiritual warfare today and this is what it sounds like, seems like, and looks like. Perseverance with the armor of God and His people.

That’s it readers. Have a wonderful night.


The Writer

Emotional Responses Emotional Control

Emotions. A beautiful thing that can be expressed in a number of ways. Some healthy and some harmful. It’s a beautiful human and animal emotion. God often expressed emotion. It’s His creation. I always imagine how God feels. In the likeness of Christ, He must feel many things. I wonder how that is for Him. A God that is patient beyond human comprehension…further than we can fathom.

I say all this to say that within our emotions as humans, we can’t completely understand one another’s emotions and many times we can’t fully understand our own emotions. Sometimes emotions are meant to just be expressed and that underlining feeling just can’t be verbally expressed. Sometimes tears are enough. Sometimes yelling helps. Sometimes, laughter does the trick.

I, for one, am always working on controlling my emotions. It has been a long time duty and process because you don’t change overnight. Human traits and flaws do not magically go away in a short time. It takes constant work, failure, and forgiving yourself and others.

Today, an email transpired between me and a gentlemen who I may have met once but I don’t quite remember. It was a conversation about a topic that clearly he was passionate and very invested in. His response triggered a response within me and while it wasn’t a ‘messy’ argument, it sparked me to defend myself from his hard response. He responded from an emotional place based on his strong stance and while that was not the issue, it created some confusion. I was moved to respond to what he said rather addressing my meaning and I felt I got caught up in something that I didn’t need to be. aggressive-anger-angry-163431.jpg I didn’t think of it until after and was beating up myself about it because I thought perhaps I was completely wrong for saying what Is aid or perhaps I didn’t think things through enough. I thought, oh no, everyone on this email thread is going to think I’m not for the cause and that bothered me the most. It wasn’t until I was just about done drafting another email response to his second email which was more intense than the first that I received a text that would bring about relief and peace for me. He reached out to another who then reached out to me to let me know that he misunderstood the point of the original text and that he was too invested and very sensitive. I felt a bit better but also felt I should’ve received some apology so then that made me think perhaps he just realized that he let his emotions get in the way but still felt the way he did and perceived me to be someone not apart of the cause and that alone bothered me.

I then wanted to email him back to clear the air and while I did draft and email, several times, I had to go back and read what I wrote to check my own self. My truth came out in the email but it didn’t mean that I wasn’t for the cause. It just mean that out of defense and emotion, I felt the need to defend myself and in this transaction, I failed to refocus on the main point of the whole email.

Emotionally driven. It was for one, interesting to see someone else in an emotional place as it was a good time for me to reflect and think about how I may look when I respond emotionally. Well, I understood his heart and frustrations although they were a bit misguided and misdirected but it was great to understand another human being like myself.

One of the new things that I’ve adopted this year is about thinking before I speak and it goes likes this and is the 3 Question Method:

  1. Does this need to be said?
  2. Does this need to be said by me?
  3. Does this need to be said by me now?

This is new to me and I have yet to get good at it. It’s something that I have to review weekly to remind myself of my emotional goals for this year.

In response to those questions, I added my own method:

If not,

  1. when to say it?
  2. when not to say it?

If so,

  1. how to say it?

These are questions that I do practice answering during disputes and it has been helpful to me. Not something I have mastered  but a work in progress. What’s important for me is to learn how to utilize these when my triggers go off. That is an area very tough for me and honestly, I didn’t think about it until now. Perhaps it’s because the person that informed me of this person’s email response mentioned that it was a trigger thing. Now I need to reflect which I think is going to bring me a whole new way of dealing with my emotions and not repeating an unhealthy pattern of yelling and arguing matches with those close to me.

“Emotional intelligence is the key to both personal and professional success”. – both things that are equally important to me.

I added a quote of mine that goes like, “I can cry, maybe just not in front of my boss.” (which I have done) but the point is to aim to have your emotions under control.


I hope this is helpful to someone.

Good night.


The Writer


air-atmosphere-beautiful-533833.jpgHey Readers,

I’m always forgetting what I’m going to write about because when I aim to write 3 hours passe dmy usual time, it’s no longer fitting for me to write. My brain has shit down.

Throughout the day I’m reflecting at miles per minute and so many things run through my mind quickly. Some things that are really great that I forget at such a late hour.

This is a lesson that I’m quickly learning.

Nonetheless, I had a day where I felt totally peace and calmness and I’m like man I feel great knowing that I have much to look forward to and getting back into the art world—just the thought of it, brings me a lot of joy.

I’ve decided to host my first musical art/writing event. I’m so excited! I can’t believe I’m going to do this. It’s going to be great 😊😊😊. It will be a time to reflect as a writer and artist, dig deep about what we want to accomplish and actually take time to tackle these things in one night. At least start. It’ll be a creative space and a time to encourage and inspire one another.

Thoroughly excited.

Anywhoo, I should get to bed – grocery shopping in the am. Good night.


The Writer

The Strangest Thing

It’s not a secret readers,

It’s when your period comes after months of being on a hiatus and suddenly you feel like you are experiencing the highest high of your life as if you met God or won the lottery and I will tell you, if I won the lottery…lol

It’s when you feel like working with someone is a nightmare and they show up one night with a big smile on their face and telling you how beautiful you are…ummmm what in the world.

All I wanna know, is what in the world….

I told a friend that I feel good and usually around this time of the year, that is not the case – omggggg, what is happeningggg…?




Things indeed are shifting. I’m so excited that I’m moving not just because the new place is nice but I will be saving money yaaaay. I’m also targeting some of my debt which is amazinnggg.

Anywhoo, it’s long passed my bedtime.

Time for nighty night 🙂



The Writer