Part III: I Stopped Being Myself

Like a 20 year-old Black boy being told that he wouldn’t amount to anything else

except streets that wrap him tight like stolen Gucci belts

Like a man who suffers on the inside because he believes he doesn’t need any help

so he keeps on marching when really he is a limping soldier at war

See, I stopped being myself.

I stopped desiring more, therefore, living less, crying more, trying to survive

but itching for a cure, smiling from coast to coast but unable to climb.

I nearly died tryin as I ran for miles to only find that where I ended is where I had began.

It was scary to even think I was alive because I felt I was dead.

I layed close to a boy who was supposed to be a man.

I dared trusting him with my heart in such ignorance to not know it was fragile and already broken apart.

I even thought, I could find my identity in my friends. To only learn that their trust was betrayal like poison in my roses I smelled and kissed

and swore they were legit because they smelled sweet but sweet was like a slice in my back, even worse, a dagger to my heart—eyes cold, no remorse. I screamed from my soul and cried blood from heart and told myself I would never trust anyone else without even knowing because trauma held me so close like the friend I had always wanted.

I was broken.

 

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Part II: I Stopped Being Myself

I stuck myself between the concrete of a wall

where inferiority and dirt lived

and where my only insulation was my fear that kept me afraid but comforted

in knowing that if I stayed silent,

I wouldn’t have to face the noise of what even my thought’s thought

for this,  I think I begin to rot

like a broken egg dropped on the cold and damp concrete

where feet walked and where blood dripped from the noses

of children bullied by their own notions that they were not brave enough

to throw a blow back into their insecurities that carried them to their own grave of suicide.

 

see,

I stopped believing in myself.

The Email That I Sent

I had been praying about some things because I felt I needed more direction. While I was praying about other things, I felt led by the Lord to seek out reconciliation with a few people. It was almost three years since I last spoke to an old roommate of mine and the last time we spoke, it didn’t go over well. We did not have good communication and I was angry and not in the best of place. While that took place, over time, I wanted to reconcile but feared rejection and was not in the place to risk anything to honor God.

Well, that quickly changed this week as I found myself emailing her. I emailed about wanting to connect and she emailed back with the question of why.

I felt that I owed her an explanation and just drew out a long letter, including asking for forgiveness. I shared that it wasn’t about becoming friends although I wasn’t opposed but more so honoring God and recognizing that we are still sisters in Christ. I ended writing “I love you”.

It has taken me a long time to do that and I sit back at God’s grace in my life and I’m amazed that I did that. So much in my heart and mind and spirit has changed in the last couple of years and this year.

I’m thankful that my heart’s desire is to please the Lord and in that, love others well. While I’m currently not sure of what will become of that email, I’m thankful to God that I wrote it. I know He sees all things and knows my heart and will extend his grace to me even if others may not.

Family, if you need to hash out reconciliation, I encourage you to pray about it and then get moving because it is God’s commandment that we reconcile with one another before attempting to offer him gifts or lifting up prayers to him.

Be encouraged!

Love,

Quita

Part I: I Stopped Being Myself

Hi Readers!

This is just a rough draft of a poem. It’s not complete but I look forward to completing it next week.

Leaving the city to join new earth

meant me leaving a dessert where it never rained

it meant discovering the sun from being below the ground

it meant I had touched the surface of the earth for the first time

and that I had breathed fresh air into my lungs

like a newborn breathed new air for the first time

I had been born again but I wasn’t prepared for how cold the air would be.

see,

I stopped being myself

when I got away from everything I ever knew

(at least thought I knew) I found myself wide open in a field 

vast enough for me to run for miles

blank enough for me to paint long paths that led to anywhere

but what I was not prepared for was feeling and being alone.

I looked up to the sky to not find any bird

I looked below to see if I could even discover a new worm

but all I saw was soil and not a near flower to be found

See,

when I left the city and joined new earth

I expected to leave behind my chains but found that they were just more shiny against my dull skin

I expected to have shed all my old skin

I expected heaven on earth.

 

But

I realized that I was just old so everything around me seemed new

my identity had just been giving a makeover but was not made new

I had no clue what to do

so I stopped being. I stood still and found myself far removed.

I grabbed a thread and needle just to sow shut my mouth

I refused to speak and so I sat sad and stayed south

 

 

 

More Than Just a Couples’ Night

Hello Readers!

How was your week?

Was it challenging? Was it a breeze? Was it sad? Was it frustrating? was it filled with joy and laughter?

Well…I hope, no matter what it was, that you can reflect and learn something from it.

If you read one of my lastest blog posts then you know that I am dating right now. It is been a wonderful time and challenging in some ways as well, more positively but when you’re really considering doing life with someone there are real matters that have to be considered and it’s not a simple thing to play around with. In my process, or should I say in our process, part of learning about each other and learning what’s best for one another is spending time with couples, especially couples that have been married for several years. We have managed to spend time with few couples, but not hardly enough. However, it has been a real blessing to us and it is something that we look forward to continue to do.

In this week alone, we spent time with two couples and had an amazing time with them. We laughed, joked, spoke about harder things, and received even some insight over a meal and dessert. We had such a good time with each couple for several hours, and getting home late in the hour. I believe we left with some things to think about but feeling encouraged and thankful.

I believe one of the most wonderful things about dating and being in the body of Christ, is the opportunity to connect with other believers, who are like-minded, and sometimes different in mindset about marriage or coming together in marriage. But one thing for sure, you can guarantee if someone has been married for more than 10, 15, and 20 years, there is a lot of wisdom there to gain.

In addition, one of the other beautiful things about being in the body of Christ with other believers, is having more than enough support, and direction, and guidance in terms of your dating season. Often when we are faced with the challenges, whether in your dating, being married, or whatever it may be, you can know for sure that you’re not alone and that you can walk with others who help you to see outside of your own mind.

When you are dating someone, it is very easy to just see things at an arms’ length view from one another and so the benefit of having outsiders such as couples and people who have been down the road of dating experience, is that you have a lot of opportunity to see things from different angles.

I know that I am very thankful to be able to connect with other brothers and sisters in Christ and learned new things that may be helpful in my journey.

I hope that if you’re dating or considering marriage, or are married, that you would open yourself to being guided because we all need support in every area of our lives.

Thank you for reading and I look forward to sharing more with you at a later date! 😊

Love,

Quita

Plant Life = Life

Hey Readers!

I’m taking a pause in my story since it’s late and it would take far more time for me to crank out s draft than it would for me to write about plants! 😊

Today was a very hot and tiring day. The AC is broken at my job, I ate breakfast pretty late and all day, making it my only meal for the day besides some scrambled eggs that I just ate. I couldn’t wait to leave from work because the heat was literally draining me.

On another note I was anticipating going to purchase more plants. I traveled across DC from Virginia just to get these beautiful plants. That is the most hiking I have done in a very long time after work.Little did I know how nice the area that I was going in was going to be. I had the opportunity to walk by beautiful plants, vines, and flowers of all sorts and capture footage including gardens with pretty little benches and so on. I think a woman saw me and was wondering what I was doing by the look on her face.

When I finally met up with Sarah I was so excited to see this beautiful green peace Lily plant. I felt like I adopted one of the most amazing things ever. Not to mention, my Rex Begonia, which was just as beautiful. I can’t describe fully the feeling of taking two plants home on the train and the bus. I know that people saw me and wondered what is she doing with those plants or we have a plant lady on our hands. It was a moment when I felt so proud to be walking with my brand new plants. I didn’t mind any of the attention. You know how when you have a really nice outfit on, or your hair is done right, or your make up is done right or whatever the case? That’s how I felt walking with plants like I was the baddest chic in DC.

For a while I had been putting off cleaning my dresser, cleaning out the hall closet and so on. But I was so excited to to make space for my plants and give them a new home. I did cluttered my dresser and organize the hall closet to move all the things to that location. Now all I have is a beautiful dresser filled with plants.

I named each one of my plants and my cactus.

So far we have peace, Rex, Maxine, Shirley, faith, hope, love, patience, Shaundell, and Yes but not least, gentle.

All of these Names Stands for something. Something or someone that I can always remember whenever I wake up to look at my plants, whenever I go to water them, whenever I go to trim them, whenever I go to repot them, whenever I come home, and whenever I decide to smell them or spend any type of time with them.

When life shows its ugly face, which it will do sometimes, or when challenges arise, or whatever the situation will be, these names will remind me of what I have to hold onto.

I will think of Maxine, my grandmother for inspiring me to start my plant journey. I will always have my mother to remember and encourage me and continue to go on my journey as she would have wanted me to do so and continue to grow. I ccan think of myself, Shaundell and remember that I am to still growing and when I look at one of my little plants I can remember that and I can see that oovertime as blooms take place. I can think of the peace that I have from God whenever things get shaky. I can think of patients, love, hope, faith, and gentle when life or people challenge me. I can remember that something beautiful, just as these plants, will come out of it.

Well that’s all readers. Thank you for taking the time and I hope you were able to be blessed song Lil way.

Hey ours Truly,

Shaundell

Chapter 2: When Going Home Became Healing

 

Leaving Boston happened with me hearing clearly from the Lord to look for jobs in D.C. Yes, specifically in D.C. I swear there was someone else in the room with me that day (lol I’m jk). When people ask me that, I still feel a little odd saying that that’s the reason because other than that, I didn’t have any reason to be in D.C! It was a surprise to me! I didn’t have D.C on my mind nor any specific place but if I had ever doubted the Lord’s voice before (and I sure did), I was confident in knowing that it was him right then and there because Marquita wasn’t planning to go anywhere. For some reason, hearing his voice felt like security. It felt safe and I had a sense of peace so I did not hesitate to do so.

When I left Boston on December 31st, 2014, it was like God-sent. I didn’t go out for new years and stayed home to complete my first vision board. I was offered a ride to the DMV, hours before leaving. When I left, we made a lovely stop in NY to visit friends and got a chance to walk through the city a bit. It was the first time I had learned about Busboys & Poets and Ben’s Chili Bowl haha–recommended that I go there. I had been to D.C once before in 2012 at the time when I visited VA for the first time and absolutely loved southern VA—little did I know that 2 years later I would living there. I came down with one little suitcase and two job interviews lined up.

I made my way down to the DMV and in less than 3 weeks, I landed the job that for the first time, paid me better than any job that I had. My plan was to stay in D.C for three weeks if I didn’t land either of those jobs.

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A sista was struggling—for a number of years and being a millennial who graduated right within a recession served me right. The years after college were hard and depressing, especially for a young woman who already had her plate filled with many other things that a story couldn’t fully tell. Moving out of Boston, landing a better paying job, and living in a place where I felt much peace was literally my sunshine after rain.

I was the girl that wasn’t going anywhere because I was too afraid to take a leap. I had applied to jobs in other states and even got a call-back from a job in California but it didn’t go far but had it, I would’ve gone away from Boston sooner. There was a part of me that was still very afraid of leaving the nest and that’s simply because I was sheltered my whole life to the point that exploring new things was as limited as my ability to stay out passed the street lights, passed my neighbor’s house, passed a bike ride in my neighborhood.

I have yet to share about the details in visiting home. I know most people might think, hey it was going home, big deal. Some may even think I want to make a spectacle out of it but I promise you it’s not that. I didn’t get excited about visiting home until I was in the airport of Washington D.C. I got more excited when I landed and was filming in Boston Logan Airport. I was even more excited when I finally was back in familiar places with family and friends.

Even more excitement came when I realized that I didn’t feel the weight which I did when I last visited in 2017.

Stay tuned for Chapter 3

And thanks for reading! 🙂

Love,

Quita