in so many ways
am holding on.
Clinging to the rock I stand on that feels wobbly beneath my stance.
I hang on
like the hook in an old poem of mine called, “She Hangs On”.
Dangling like loose beads on a worn bracelet.
I fear more.
Highs and lows got me so close to heaven and hell.
What am I saying right now readers? Just thought I would test the old gem again and share an incomplete poem. Most times when I feel something heavy, I only want to disguise my true words in fragmented sentences fancied by rhymes and wonders. I never want to express the full and translucent truth because…quite frankly…it’s just too much work and too much energy. It’s exhausting. I’d rather just stay sitting on the nail like a dog. But why? I just told you why. But really…why? Because I am broken. I’m broken just…like…Kim Kutledge. I think that’s why I loved her monologue so much. It reminded me of my self:
By Josh Weckesser
Excuse me, but if you would
Give me the chance, I think I could
Do what I need to make you feel good
[long pause] What? No applause? Now you see what I’m talking about, broken. I wasn’t even blessed with being tortured, Poe and Dante were tortured, I am simply ineffectual and unloved. I know what you’re thinking, “Surely you jest, who would not love you?” The answer is the source of my pain and the reason I cannot heal. I do not love me. I’m like that one guy in that one 80’s movie, I do everything that everyone tells me to do. On the plus side nothing is ever my fault, I can always point the finger at someone else. On the down side I talk to myself a lot. Like now for example. None of you are real. I bet you didn’t know that, and I kinda hate to break it to you because I’m sure you think you’re real, but I just made every one of you up. That’s gotta be depressing, but don’t worry about it, you’ll cease to exist once I’ve finished thinking about you. But you wanna know the worst part? Would Keanu Reeves please stand up? [pause] See? He’s not here! He’s never here! I’m so broken that I can’t even control my own hallucinations even after I’ve accepted that fact that they’re hallucinations. I know you’re wondering about the whole Keanu Reeves thing, but even if he can’t act he can say “woah” with the best of them and if he wore his Matrix costume he wouldn’t have to say a thing. [beat] Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist about this. I’m pretty sure it’s not normal. He’d most likely tell me it was ‘advanced projected schizophrenia’ or something. I’m sure he’d ask me, “Do you occasionally feel like you’re on stage?” and I’d say no but he’d see though it because he’d be a good psychiatrist, and I’d never go see a bad one. So I’d admit to sometimes feeling like I’m on stage and he’d ask me if I’d like to see Keanu Reeves appear and I’d deny that too, but he’d see though it again. So then I’d tell him that Keanu never showed, with or without his leather Matrix jacket. Then I’d ask him how he knew and he’d tell me that it’s a pretty common thing, he used to go though something similar. It’s hero worship gone horribly awry, something about not having the confidence to want to see someone actually interesting. All I’d have to do to avoid these things was to believe in myself, have some confidence. [epiphany] Yes, I think that’s it! Of course that’s it. I can do that. I can love myself, I can. And I will. [pause] Right?