How was your Sunday?
I’m going to make this short because I am behind time and really need to get to bed.
Today was a good day. I feel like I haven’t said that in a very long time. I’m not even sure if I have ever really said that but I say it because it’s a continuous of last week: the ignited sense of change that I experienced for two reasons and again I say, 1. realizing that I needed an outlet from work (although I really always had one) which happens to be my passion and being super driven to jump into it, hence, the artistic world. With that, it has cause me to take a step back and to refocus myself to gain balance. What is balance and what does that look like? For me, it’s spreading myself evenly across all of my interests. It looks like not putting all of my eggs in one basket with any one thing and allowing myself to be able to enjoy each role that I play in my life without being too focused on one or having to experience any form of burnout.
The other reason for experiencing this ignited sense of change is, well, the fact that my period came after several months of not receiving it. Strangely, I have a pattern where it comes when I experience a change. One being, having secured a new place since me and my roommate have to move and that was quite stressful. What this tells me is that I don’t think I handle stress well as I think I do if after a settlement, my period decides to come. Or perhaps it’s just the way my stress shows up which now that I think about it, how can this hold up well in a pregnancy? I have not thought about this until now; writing has a way of bringing up points for you. Later discussion or when I get ready to cross that bridge. Not something to worry about or stress about now.
Back to being a good day. It was a good day because Sunday school was deeply refreshing and the sermon was equally refreshing. Just the other day I questioned myself and why I find myself going back and forth with the idea of reaching out to others in terms of support for spiritual growth then finding myself running from it at the same time. In Sunday School, reading Romans 7 on law and sin drove me to finally make a decision as it showed me the reason behind my wrestling.
I knew it was time to walk out on faith as I came to the realization today that I doubt God. I doubt that I can trust Him enough to take care of me in the midst of my fears and reservations. I doubt that He can transform me and my circumstances, I doubt that He is sovereign in all ways and situations and as a result, this doubt has kept me where I am, kept me thinking ill thoughts about my salvation and His people, and prevented me from being able to experience spiritual growth in the way that my spirit cries out for. To just come to this realization is most certainly God’s grace and because I recognize His sweet, still, calming voice, I still have faith a bit bigger than a mustard seed.
Prior to this, I have been wanting to connect with my pastor for a long time and have drafted emails but was always to fearful to send. It’s how I fear rejection sometimes when it comes to seeking forgiveness or how I am always thinking that people are thinking the worse about me and the truth is, I have experienced a lot of that and I have allowed it to interfere with resting upon how God sees me rather than how others do. It also has shown me how I live inside my head bit too much (a common human flaw) and that I continue to make things real that are not. I will never forget when I was worshipping at my old church and I was in tears just watching all of the teenagers who after being encouraged to come to the front whom didn’t have present parents in their lives to head to the front. I was in college but I so badly wanted to go up there because I still felt like one of those teenagers, I had spent my teenage life in church weeping many times at the wounds I carried from not having my parents in my life and the burden of loneliness that I carried. While crying, I felt a touch in the middle of my belly that I can’t describe but it caused me to wail a loud sound and fall out. I was conscious but my eyes were closed. Another young lady close to my age prayed over me in tongues and then spoke, “you’re listening to the wrong voice, protect your ears”. I was reminded of this again (and have found myself frequently thinking about this). I have fallen into this many times because now that I think of it, a little girl who has experienced a massive amount of loneliness through her life would have the devil right there to tell her lies and that’s exactly how He has been holding me captive all fo these years. I would be reminded of this and weeping at 3am in the morning just last year when I realized all fo the lies I had believed. I am reminded of this today and now it’s time to do something different. It’s time to abide in God’s Word and to walk in truth and light with the right hand of fellowship with God’s hand. I am reminded of this by both our brother who preached in Sunday school and by our pastor in service today. That is the piece of bread that I carried out in my spirit today.
As a result, I was convicted today and decided that I am going to speak with my pastor. In fact, I did and informed him that I wanted to talk and meet with him. I also thought through the idea of writing a letter of expressing everything necessary because my hope is to open and to be clear. I am seeking spiritual support and I need it. I’m seeking spiritual healing and I need it. I don’t quite know what either of these things look like or how they will play out but this is where I begin to really trust God. I stop writing and hold my face as tears come down my face at this new found revelation. I see a young girl who has been deeply hurt beyond physical repair and her soul is crying out for help and healing. This young girl has been afraid of coming out and when she does, it’s going to change her completely.
I also have been meditating not for the fact that I can’t be who God wants me to be if I don’t trust Him and if I don’t allow the process of spiritual change. We spoke on spiritual warfare today and this is what it sounds like, seems like, and looks like. Perseverance with the armor of God and His people.
That’s it readers. Have a wonderful night.