Hi Readers!

 

It’s Thursty Thursday. Currently, I am doing some soul searching, some back tracking, some revisiting to who I am.

I’m in a place where I’m not sure what I want to do for work. Don’t get me wrong, I know what kind of career I want to have but in between, as I work on preparing fro graduate school, I am looking for a more fulfilling job —-I’m scared that I will never find contentment in work and that I may find myself dissatisfied each time. It’s worse than actually looking for a job.

I have had some rough experiences in my last few jobs and I’m thinking that perhaps I’m not much of a people person or that I’m not utilizing my artistic side so I’m misplaced and that I’m just not happy because of that and it shows through each time. I worry about what people think and these people I no longer see. I’m always wondering, man they must be talking real bad about me…

Silly right? I’ve always wanted to leave a good impression but apparently, it doesn’t work out that way for me. I’m never connecting with people in the way that I intend and I seem to offend everyone. I’ve been dealing with labels and such and I’m like man, maybe there is something really wrong with me or perhaps I’m just inside my head? It seems people keep seeing something that I don’t understand– it bugs me so much. Half the time, I’m minding my business and BOOM, someone has something to say. I’m sorry I’m not always the most social person so of course that leaves room for people to interpret me however. I’m a writer and writers live inside of their heads. I’ve learned that being in group settings within work environments may not be the best for me but I feel like those are where some of the best jobs exist..I don’t know…

Today, I decided to sign up on a casting site—you know for acting gigs, perhaps some modeling, and maybe a bit of voiceover—I like doing voiceovers. I need to break out of this traditional, redundant lifestyle and tap into my creative side. My artistic side has been dying and I think that’s what people are seeing on top of the fact that I have not traveled or had a vacation in…forever…a relaxed vacation. I’ve traveled for business trips but I have not been relaxed since the first and last real vacation I had in 2014. That’s 5 years counting so if people feel I’m “intimidating”, “angry”, “aggressive, ” or “negative”—all the labels I’ve gotten, then that’s why. I mean this hurts and I’m trying to figure out what it is—truth be told, I’m unhappy with my jobs and half the time frustrated. I’m not living. I’ve just been working to pay bills and I told myself along time ago that this would not be the person who I would be but that I would have financial success and live my life as an entrepreneur. That has been a lost dream ever since I stopped the business. I have been trying to get out of this pit and I see the light yet I can’t experience it’s warmth enough to get me out of here.

Well anywhoo, I’m going to do a couple of personality and job tests—I can’t find the first one that I did…it said I was an executive. When I did a business, around 10 years ago, a successful entrepreneur at first glance, right at the handshake told me that I was going to be an executive. Later in life, as I was entering my father’s house, and a man told me that I love knowledge and that I should study law…? haha – law. I mean I can argue but I definitely never pictured myself as a lawyer. I even entertained the idea. Am I missing my calling? lol Now that I’m going to study social work, I’ve been doubting that as well…it’s just a fear of success thing I believe you know…I think I have already told you this. ok here we go. Whatever you do in life, whatever you face, don’t give up…the answer will come.

talk to you later.

Signed,

The Writer